If you did not run out of data throughout the past couple of weeks, you will have heard about Nollywood super-super stars Tonto Dikeh and IK Ogbonna. Even if you did run out of data, you probably have a friend who is so dedicated to sniffing out the most important news stories in the world.
World-changing news happens, they sniff, gist you, everyone is happy, earth decides not to stop rotating. But no matter their sniffability, they don’t have the inside scoop and that’s why AN INSIDER’S SCOOP steps in occasionally to maintain the world order.
On Wednesday, May 22, Tonto Dikeh used her heaven-given freedom of speech to inform some of her friends that she might suddenly wake up to find herself involuntarily swinging wildly and inflicting bodily harm on them if they ask her unnamed lover for charity donations more than once a month without getting written permission from her or her lawyers. Some of the names she called out in her national broadcast include upcoming artiste Tubaba, his wife Annie; real-life Michelin model (how do you people come up with these gorgeous names?) Eniola Badmus; Toyin Aimakhu-Johnson-Abraham as well as her newest bestest friend, IK Ogbonna.
Tonto Dikeh and IK Ogbonna’s friendship has become so close that IK now confides in her anytime his anus begins to leak due to his post-intercourse biological reactions. It was after one of these confidential
leakage progress reports that Tonto mistakenly posted about it on her Instagram page. In the said post, she also announced (so IK won’t find out on his own and become jealous) that other celebrities give her similar post-intercourse biological reaction reports. She promised she would name them so that when any of us runs into them, we can also have compassion on them and provide them with appropriate lower body armour to reduce the leaks.
Being the totally mature mind that he is, IK Ogbonna did not take offence at her innocent slip-up, rather he advised her to stop wasting her time calling a customer (you know, since acting has become too small a profession for her, Tonto has been buying and selling) that the bagger’s number isn’t available at the moment. And since it’s most times easier to post on social media than say these things face-to-face, the two decided to carry on their friendly conversation on IG.
In the conversation that followed, IK advised her to throw a bone to a dog they recently co-bought so it could stop barking, she asked if his anus had stopped leaking and she told him the dog just wouldn’t stop barking. We’re suspecting that they might need to put down the dog if its noise becomes too much to bear rather than wasting bones on it.
While these two friends continue to show us what true friendship is about and that it is no big deal to have leaking anuses, let us remind you that about two weeks ago, Prince Ifeanyi Dike, the chairman of the board of trustees of the Actors Guild of Nigeria (AGN) announced that the guild might have to retire Tonto Dikeh and induct her into the hall of fame of Nigeria’s greatest actors. In his statement he said due to Tonto’s greatness, many lazy young men are becoming too timid to ask for the hands of Nollywood actresses in marriage.